The Many Faces of Anger

From December 8th – 14th the Milton H. Erickson Foundation hosted the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference in Anaheim, CA. The Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference has been, since 1985, an international forum for masters in the field to meet, interact, and discuss a wide range of topics, including their current work and latest research, as well as the future of psychotherapy.

I had the pleasure of attending a workshop presentation given by Violet Oaklander, Ph.D. on the many faces of anger in children. Dr. Violet Oaklander is a clinical psychologist and Certified Gestalt Therapist. She is the author of Windows To Our Children: A Gestalt Therapy Approach to Working with Children and Adolescents and most recently published, Hidden Treasure: A Map to the Child’s Inner Self.

The workshop started off with discussing the many faces of anger with children. Dr. Oaklander believes that “anger is an expression of the self.” It is a way of protecting one’s boundaries. For instance, when a young child says, “NO!” in a loud voice, he or she is using strong energy to express his or her dislike for something that upsets his or her self. The child must use a strong voice because he or she desperately wants to be heard. The child’s “NO!” comes from the core of her being. Since the child does not have the cognitive ability, the language, or the tact to express thoughtful, fundamental feelings in pleasant ways he or she is perceived as angry.

The child quickly learns that this expression of angry and unacceptable and may lead to consequences of abandonment. Since the child’s survival is dependent on the adult caretakers in his or her life, the child uses any means to make sure his or her needs are met. Due to lack of expression the child’s self becomes diminished. The child then buries within deep-felt feelings.

A paradox begins to form since the child’s primary developmental task is to grow up into an adult. While the child tries to flourish and grow in a world where he or she struggles to avoid his or her parent’s disapproval and anger, his or her self struggles to achieve stability and health. And so the child’s expression of anger, which is an expression of the self, bubbles up to become something beyond the child’s awareness and control. This bubbling up of repressed emotion can come out in many forms. Some of these forms can be manifested in illness, such as headaches and stomachaches. Other forms come out physically by hitting and other forms of striking out. Other children become hyperactive while others “space out” to avoid feeling anything. These are a few of the behaviors and symptoms that disguise fearful authentic expressions that children use to attempt to cope and survive in their stressful world. These inappropriate behaviors and symptoms are the many faces of anger for children.